The South Side Of The Rainbow Shores

Why can't I be me!

2009-11-09T20:05:00.000-08:00

It's really irritating when people judge you on appearences and not by character. How many times have we heard the term "looks can be deceiving." The quote is true we do pay more attention to the "vices than the virtues of people." It's so hard to treat people the way you want to be treated when they are not doing it in return. What do you do?? Do you become passive or agressive?? I have never been an ass kisser and won't start it today. Everyone should have to run the same coarse and finish it the same as well. Nothing to see here I'm just venting to keep from screaming and waking up the kids. The show is over.

When there is no extended family

2009-10-18T20:21:00.000-07:00

Today I sat and thought about what my life was like before I had children. I looked back and thought Wow! Is this where I was fighting so hard to get to. Due to my own childhood lacking a lot of things. My dreams were always to have a large family and help others like me. I love all my children very much and supply them with all the love and support I never received. Still, there is a little part of me that longs for extended family to be part of our lives. My family wasn't very big and the family I grew up with has passed on. My husband family we were never close to and they live in a diffrent state. So, I feel bad my kids don't have the luxuries of grandma, aunts, uncles, and cousins. Though my husband could provide this if we had a closer relationship to his family. I could not. I never had extended family either. I remember watching friends that had siblings and cousins. I hated being an Only child and still do. I love my life and my family. It would just be nice sometimes to have a close relationship with someone on my level that offered support. I have tons of childhood friends but, we are all on diffrent paths in life. There is not much we relate to anymore. People feel I'm diffrent and I am. I grew up and have experienced a lot of diffrent things and embraced them. I moved on with life why a lot of them are standing still. Seeing things from a diffrent prospective shows growth and development. A lot of people don't understand that. As my life becomes diffent from theirs I am now the boring one. Sorry if being family orientated seems boring. I embrace it whole heartedly. I do long for a close friendship with someone whom we share some common interest. I meet and talk with people all the time. It just seems like everyone is not taking new friend applications and not welcoming newcomers. It's like being that outcast in high school. You just don't fit into anyones clique.

When sperm donors return

2009-06-09T10:03:00.000-07:00

What should one expect when they leave a child at birth and never parented them?? Definately not a parent child relationship. Expecially if the child has had a father since they were six months old. That has raised them and been there for them almost their entire life. How can you come back 15 years later ready to be a father cause it took you that long to get your life together. Proclaiming that you have now found God and want to do what is right. You gave her up for adoption at age 4 and her father is in deed her father in every aspect. So, why come back now and try to disrupt her life?? When you know you are suppose to wait until she is 18 and wants contact with you. Now that you are missing something and feeling a void in your life its more important for you to be hasty and do it now. You didn't get the response you were expecting. Why am I not surprised. She has no void at this time and says maybe oneday she will meet you but, for now you are just seen as that person whom she shares DNA. Someone she has never known and feels at the moment doesn't need to know. She doesn't wonder about you because I shared the positive stories about you and photos. Some how the negative and feeling of you being an ex convict doesn't make one want to run and meet you to become a part of your life since thats what you chose over parenting. You say she is flesh of your flesh your seed. Thats all there is. It takes a lot to be a father and donating DNA doesn't classify you as that. Your philosophies and bible thumbing does not make the situation seem better or make me run to make her want to know you. You've done nothing diffrent from any other excon to me. Whewn I mentioned support you disregaurded every part of that paragraph and never spoke of it. Though you feel its important to know you its just as important for you to contribute financial support. I knew that would never happen. Oh, so now your content and ready to wait until shes 18. I knew it all along you were singing that same old song. Its not about her its about you. As always.

Torn to move on

2009-03-31T15:08:00.000-07:00

We have been wanting to relocate for about a year now. We hate the fact of moving our kids again but, things aren't exactly what they seem. We have lived in Minnesota 6 years and have not really build any foundation. We have no family here and none anyway that we are really close to. People we have met seem very nice on the surface but, no friendships have come of it. We have been involved in many things to meet people. Even tried keeping in touch but, the other parties lacked interest. We even attended a Church that seemed very nice to us but, later people fizzled there too. I'm not sure how you become a part of something here. Everyone seems content with just being with their families and old friends. No interest in getting to know any new people. I've heard other transplants say this as well so , i know its not only me. I just wonder how those that get into a circle make it in. Minnesota has been a lonely place for our family and with the cold winters its worst. The kids make friends easily but, never that very best friend we all grow up with. Its sort of the same with the kids. You have to really be liked by someone to be included. I've noticed too that if someone likes you they may do something with you every blue moon but, not really invite you in their group or circle.

Being that we are just sick of the harsh winters too. We are contemplating a move somewhere warm year around. I have been researching Arizona. If possible, we would like to move next year. I'm planning to visit in June. I don't really care if the people are friendly or not. I've sorta gotten use to it. I can find way more to do with warmer weather year around. I hate the feel of being stuck in the house because its winter. I'm also, not into outdoor winter activities. We just want to make the right move for our family.

Feeling Pissy! (Vent)

2009-03-18T20:41:00.000-07:00

I feel that I am good friend and listener. It just pisses me off when I call someone to vent their not interested and putting me off. The minute something goes wrong in their lives my phone is ringing off the hook. I'm the compassionate listener trying to help them find a solution. Their issues are usually self created drama that could be avoided. How dare I come with my issues to vent and want them to listen. There world is just too busy when my time comes.

I'm so sick of how fake and uncompassionate people are when its not their needs being met.

How is it I always meet these people and why are they sent to me! I feel like a person that always attract abusive mates. What have I done so wrong that I don't deserve a decent friendship where its give and take. I'm always given the takers. Why Me!

Hide and Seek

2009-03-12T10:44:00.000-07:00

The Culprit

Sweet and sassy strikes again. The missing goes lost underneath the princess' bed until someone notices its no where to be found. We wonder why we have less cups and silverware, missing socks or that favorite toy. It has been found here.

As I change her sheets today I find a big red cup. When did she sneak that upstairs?? I wondered how she could had wet the bed when she didn't have a lot to drink before bed. Hmm I wonder if she is sneaking the cup to the bathroom through out the night for a drink but, wait she would then use the bathroom if this was possible. My sneaky 3 year old has a plan and I'm on a mission to figure it out. She could put water in it before bed and hides it. This one is very clever and her abilities shouldn't be denied. The saga continues.........

Thank You!

2009-01-11T19:39:00.000-08:00

I just want to say thank you to all of my sisters at SNA for your comments of support and encouragement. Life hasn't been so easy lately and it helps a lot to read your kind words. I wish there were more people in the world like you guys.

What is it really??

2009-01-11T08:32:00.000-08:00

We have been doing traveling basketball for three years with my son and daughter. My daughter has aged out of traveling so its now just my son. We attend these events as an entire family. Here we come with our 6 children. People make comments like "here comes ALL the Rivers." We get so many comments and people even treat us diffrent on our team. People rarely even talk to us. Unless its to comment about our kids. People say things like "don't they take naps." One of my son's coaches told me yesterday "I hope you and ALL your babies have a safe ride home.

Its not like they are loud or bothering anyone. We have special toys and items to keep them entertained and snacks. I don't understand why people are so mean and have nothing nice to say. If you feel a certain way say nothing at all. Its funny to me that on my son's team last year there was a family with 6 kids but, they just never attended a game all together. As far as I know they weren't treated diffrent and people always spoke to them. There are others who bring their entire families they just don't have as many kids as we do.

Last year on my son's team some people who didn't even talk to us felt the need to try and take our children to help us without asking. Their help really wasn't needed and I don't want my kids passed around. They were strangers to them. It was rather rude the way they did it.

We always have a nice senior lady come up and talk to us because she herself had a large family. She may even sit with us and talk to the kids a while. Thats the bright side. I always love hearing their stories.

I don't think that we should be judged because we have a large family or Even more so because we are a large minority family. Yes, we hear those comments as well. I had a friend tell me that I should tell people that three of my kids are adopted. I don't feel I need to explain myself and shouldn't be judged on how large my family or where I live. I strongly believe its a class thing as well. Minnesota hasn't been a very friendly place since we've lived here. We aren't black enough to make friends with other AA families or fit in the right class for others. Its funny how you meet people and they can be nice at first. When they find out where you live or how you make a living they act funny. All of the sudden your beneath them.

Friendship Vs. Morals

2009-01-02T10:20:00.000-08:00

After growing up in an enviorment that was just completely unacceptable to me. I have a hard time seeing things from the same point of view as my peers who accept their abusive backgrounds as normal. Well, I don't really think they see it as normal. Its just what their use to and they don't get past get. I have many childhood friends and some come from really messed up upbringings. Some whom pass this same way of thinking and patterns on to their children placing them in unhealthy situations.

I have a friend thats begrudging me now because she feels I'm such a moral orel. Its said she doesn't get that I didn't choose to follow my family patterns and she has that chose too. I'm learning that sometimes its much easier for people to go the negative route in life that to follow the positive.

Shes angry with me because of my lack of support of her. I choose not to support things that just seem so redundant to me. Also, I will speak my mind in any given situation and won't tell you what you want to here. She has known me long enough to know what I would say.

I've loved her children like they were my own and have taken them in when she couldn't care for them. It hurts me to see what she has come to be as a parent. The lack of protection and care given to her children throughout the years is ridiculous. Everyone has tried to help them but, DCFS always fails. The only reason I keep in contact with her is because of the children. Their like my neices and nephew.

It angers me that she would invite men into her home telling her kids this is your daddy and forcing them to call him that. I wanted to cry when one day her daughters told her a year after her last relationship was over they were molested. I was not really surpried. Shes now allowing her 16 year old date a 23 year old man she has been with since 15 and done nothing. It seems like shes pimping her own daughter out because she benefits from her having an older man. The latest is her brother whom molested her son. She never pressed charges there either. He is in jail facing murder charges for helping gang members hide a gun before and after shooting an innocent little girl while firing at a rival gang. Shes mad at me because I don't support the decision that shes taking food out of her kids mouth to support her brother by helping him get an attorney. He has been in trouble in the past but, shes in denial. She always has him around her children.

I know that her family is dysfunctional and she just doesn't get it. Its just a sad situation when you see people you love that can't see. She knows me and my views but, I don't think she gets me. I'm the weird one. I could never support my abusers. When it comes to my children there is no way any family member that hurt them will be a part of their lives.

Though I've left my personal past behind. I am still haunted by my past through other people in my life. I don't agree with what shes doing to her children because I've been there. Its funny how things come back full circle. I have been narrowing down and getting rid of the hauntings. I need to keep my life on task.

The Little Girl Whom Love Wasn't Enough

2008-12-29T22:11:00.000-08:00

Born female to an unwed mother and wayward father. The little girl and her mother lived with her grandmother and step grandfather from her birth. All she ever heard was fighting and nagging as she suck on her bottle from her crib. Never feeling secure or loved. Her mother didn't hold her alot and was very irresponsible. One day placing her on the bed and she rolled off hitting her tender head. It caused two life long scars on her forehead.
Her mother and grandmother always argued and never got along. The stepgrandfather was strung out on drugs and noone seemed to care.

Two years go by and her mother gets married. They move away to a new apartment. Things seem good for a while besides the mother being too lazy to feed the little girl. So her new stepdad argues and complains that she needs to get out the bed and take care of her. He starts to take up time with the little girl by taking her out every weekend for breakfast at Woolworths. She enjoyed their special time together and she even got a new toy. After a while things weren't going too well at home. The Mother and step Dad started to fight a lot. One day the little girl saw the fight and he hit her mothers' head on the lock of the front door. She begain to bleed everywhere. He left the house. The little girl starts to clean up the blood and comfort her mother. Things get quiet for a while and seemed to be better. Her mother starts to take her outside to play. Until one day two boys are riding fast on their bike and couldn't stop hitting the little girl. Her mother laughs as she screams from the pain of her bruises. The little girl wonders why her mother is laughing at her. She didn't laugh when she was in pain.

A few years pass and the girl is now five. Her mother and stepfather gets a divorce. He still tries to come around and they still fight and argue. The little girl starts to go to her grandparents house every weekend. They would do things with her like going to the park and out to eat. She would even go with her grandfather to buy his drugs. He always had a lot of cool friends but, she didn't understand why they all used the bathroom at the same time leaving blood on the sink. That was a mystery. She eventually knew where every drug house was located and who family members were on it. She learned they used needles and heroine.

Things back at home were sad and her mother cried alot. She begain to hang out with her friends leaving the girl home alone at a young age. The little girl would get hungry and scared calling her grandparents. When her mother found out she would spank her and tell her she was keeping up drama with her grandmother. Her grandmother and mother fought more and more making the little girl sad and depressed. The grandmother would come over and physicaly attack the mother. It made the little girl scared to tell her about anything going on at home. Who could she talk to now?? The grandmother would start to bribe info from her. The mother started dating and bringing home a lot of diffrent boyfriends that never acknowledged the girl. They lived in an efficiency apartment so, while the mom had the privacy of french doors the girl slept on a roll a way bed in the living room. Her mother and her male guest would tip toe naked past the girl. Thinking she was asleep and wouldn't see them.
She would get up for school in the mornings unable to eat breakfast at home because her mother had company. She was told to eat at school. Most days her mother got her up to go to the liquor store before school to buy her cigarretts, tops, and a newspaper. The streets would be empty, quiet, and scary. Due to her mothers' smoking their house always smelled of Marijuana and cigarretts. The girl hated that the smell stayed in her clothes.

In 3rd grade the girl seemed to not make friends and was very distracted always daydreaming in class. The teacher felt something was wrong and the girl talked a little. The school referred her family to therapy. They quit after the first day because the therapist told them they were the little girls problem. The little girl was yelled at and blamed for having to be the one to make them see the therapist that didn't know what she was talking about.

Things didn't change but, was worst. The summer came and the mothers' new boyfriend moved in. The little girl had to stay outside all day. Only going in to use the bathroom. Never eating lunch. She made a friend in the apartment building next door. She was fun and her parents were nice too. Her mom worked and her dad was home during the day. The dad started inviting the girl in for snack and lunch. Always giving them money for the candy store. He started to play games with them. Their favorite was house. One day he started to show them how a husband and wife have sex. After this day he always wanted to play house. The little girl thought it was ok because her mother did that all the time. She would watch her mother through the skeleton key hole of the french doors sometimes. So it must be ok. During this time the little girl spent a lot of time with her Mothers' best friend kids. Most where older and one of them liked playing house too. The little girl just thought it was weird because there were two mommies but, we can pretend. Until during the night she was putting her hands down the little girl pants she felt very uncomfortable. The girl swore her to never tell.

Her friend next door stopped playing with her. The friends' cousins teased the little girl saying "we know what you did your a nasty girl." Shame came over the little girls face. She thought what did she do wrong. The girl stopped going over the friends' house after that but, the dad would stalk her after school telling her to come over and play with him. It started to get uncomfortable but, she never told anyone. He was always around watching her but, she stayed away.

At about age nine she started to spend more time with her grandparents eventually living with them by age ten. Time went by, her grandfathers drug use got worst and so did her mother. They could never have a family function withought fights and arguements. The mother called and visited the girl less and less. During this time the stepfather was back in the girls life. He had always been off and on. He would take her shopping and out to eat. This too did pass. When the girl turned about 13 she was feeling abandoned. Things were ok at the grandparents sometimes but, the verbal abuse was beginning to become very harsh. She couldn't do anything right and was constantly compared to her no good mother. The grandmother started to fight the girl until she fought back. The grandfathers drug abuse begain to be a problem in the home. The girl was forced to listen to her grandmothers bickering about her mother and grandfather. She had too many burdens to carry. So, she ran away. Many nights she walked the streets or stayed at a friends' house. She called united way for help but, they told her she would be better off at home than a shelter for teens. Noone believed her anyway. The girl tried to commit suicide several times but, was unsuccessful in her attempts. She was really becoming depressed. Though for some she had to put on her fake face hiding behind the truth.

Finally one day at age 16 she moved in with her mother. She had a new boyfriend who seemed very nice. He had a son that came there to live too. They shared a lot of the same issues so they really felt like siblings and got along great. Things were good for a while. Then the boyfriend started using drugs and the mother turned into a monster. His son moved out and that left the girl. She had to take everything from everyone. One day the mother wanted her to wash the dishes and not one belonged to the girl. They all belonged to the boyfriend so she asked why can't he wash them. The mother started to preach about how nice he was to to the girl. She said she wasn't doing the dishes. So, the mother jumped on her grabbing her neck choking her. The girl took her and flung her off hitting the mothers' head on the cabinet. She started to bleed and told the girl to leave.

So, she left going back to her grandparents. Things just kept getting worst from there. The grandmother accused the girl of all types of wrong doing when in reality she was a good kid just needing support and trying to find her way. She was a great basketball player but, noone ever came to watch her play. The girl still didn't engage in risky behavior but, was on the path of looking for love in the wrong places. She did graduate from high school having a baby at age 18. Eventually moving out and putting some distance between her family at 19.